Self-Criticism Explained.
Bring to mind someone you love and care for deeply, it can be a child or someone else with whom you have an uncomplicated relationship. Imagine this loved one aged 6 or 7, in all their childlike joy, innocence and wonder.
Hold them in your mind’s eye. Feel the full warmth of your love for them and how much you wish for them to be happy.
Now consider this, you have two schools to choose from for this child. In one school there are critical teachers, stern and aggressive, and they say, “Bring your child to our school because when they make a mistake, or don’t live up to their potential, or do bad things, we will criticise them and make them feel bad and frightened. We will put them down, tell them they’re useless and no good, and we will show them what we feel for them, which is contempt and disgust”.
To which you say, “Well thank you very much for telling me how you’re going to treat this child I love”, and then you go across to the other school.
In this school the teachers are understanding and compassionate, and they say, “Bring your child here because life is difficult and we all mess up from time to time, that’s simply a part of being human. We will help your child to learn from their mistakes. We will encourage and inspire them to be their best, and we will show great patience, care, concern and support to them in their difficulties because it’s not always easy growing up, particularly in today’s age.”
So, which school are you going to take this bright-eyed child to?
The answer is swift and simple, we know immediately which school will be best for this child’s healthy and happy development. Yet we often find it impossibly hard to apply this logic and grace to ourselves. Why is that? Well, let’s unpack it…
The Origins of our Self-Critic
As we go through life it’s very easy for us to pick up and embed ways of being self-critical, this happens primarily during:
1) The formation of the superego and early social learning
2) Unexpressed/unacknowledged/unresolved anger and shame turned inwards towards the self
The superego is formed during childhood, primarily between the ages of 3 and 7. It develops as a result of a child's interaction with their parents or caregivers, and is influenced by the values, rules, and expectations of the child's family and culture. It represents the internalised moral values, social norms, and ethical standards of society. It acts as a person's moral compass and strives for perfection.
There are two main components within the superego:
Ego Ideal: The idealised version of oneself based on the values and behaviours that a child's parents or caregivers praise and approve of. It includes goals and aspirations to emulate.
Conscience: The internalised rules and values that a child is explicitly told are wrong or bad. It serves as an internal judge and critic, punishing the ego for behaviour that goes against these rules.
Unexpressed/unacknowledged/unresolved anger and shame turned inwards towards the self. If for some reason we could not healthily express, acknowledge or resolve normal feelings of anger or shame in childhood, we can instead build a habit of suppressing (conscious) or repressing (unconscious) these feelings inward and directing them towards ourselves.
Perhaps it was not safe or encouraged to feel in this way, perhaps the feelings were simply too overwhelming and we did not have an attuned or adequately resourced parent or caregiver to help us to regulate. The energy of this emotion has to go somewhere, and unfortunately, sometimes the safest place is inward. This is a pattern of coping that we can easily carry into adulthood.
Is Self-Criticism Useful?
Let’s imagine that we could take away your self-criticism and you could never again speak with anger or contempt towards yourself, what would be your greatest fear?
People often come up with the idea that, “If I didn’t get angry with myself I would become lazy, or arrogant or I wouldn’t try hard enough. I wouldn’t reach my potential or I may even do things that are immoral.”
So we might quietly think that self-criticism is important or necessary. But let’s look closer at this by bringing gently to mind now something that you are self-critical about.
Tune into the voice of your self-criticism, what does it say to you?
Now imagine that you could actually see this self-critical part of you outside of you - take it out of your head and look at it, what does it look like?
What is it feeling about you?
What are the emotions it’s directing at you?
Most importantly, how does this leave you feeling?
Ask yourself, does your critic have your best interests at heart? Does it take joy in your success? Does it encourage you when you struggle? Does it remind you of all of your beauty and strength?
When people start to really externalise and explore their self-criticism, they discover that often it doesn’t look too savoury. It might be an angry version of themselves, or a parent with a pointing finger and a shrill voice, or it might even take the shape of a monster or an object. It can take many shapes but usually these are not loving, kind or supportive, and when we listen to what it’s actually saying to us, it is usually quite harsh: “You’re not good enough”, “You should have tried harder” or otherwise putting us down in some unpleasant way.
Then, when we look at the feelings that it has for us, it’s not uncommon to find anger, contempt or hostility. Yet we may still believe that the critic is trying to be helpful, when in reality, it simply isn’t. This is clear when we reflect on how it leaves us feeling, which is often a bit down or suppressed, and that’s not surprising when you think about it. When we truly pause to look at the critic, to listen to what it says and to sense what it feels about us, it’s perfectly natural that we would feel a bit squashed by it.
Quieting the Critic by Building our Compassionate Self
So self-criticism is not the best way to achieve your potential, because in reality it is berating you when you are struggling, putting you down when you’ve made a mistake or haven’t quite lived up to your ideals. It is hurting your spirit, stealing your joy and happiness.
But there is a part of you that wants you to be at your best, a part of you that wants you to be wise, strong and committed, while also being supportive, encouraging and compassionate to yourself and others. This is your compassionate self. For a moment, let’s look for your compassionate self, the part of you that naturally exudes kindness and virtue.
Tune into the voice of your compassionate self, what does it say to you?
Now imagine that you could actually see this compassionate part of you outside of you - take it out of your head and look at it, what does it look like?
What is it feeling about you?
What are the emotions it’s directing at you? How does it help you with the thing that you’re struggling with? Sense the friendliness and warmth in this part of yourself.
Most importantly, how does this leave you feeling? Maybe more inspired, more hopeful, more encouraged.
If it does not feel easy or comfortable to connect to this part of yourself, try this short exercise for building self-compassion below.
Using our Compassionate Self to Reparent Self-Criticism
When we treat ourselves compassionately, offering encouragement, kindness and support, we’re much more likely to move forward towards our goals, but if we let the critic get a hold of us, particularly if we believe that it’s right or necessary, it can be quite unpleasant, hurtful and diminishing.
So we have a choice, we can listen to the critic or use the arising of the critic as a signpost to consciously switch to the compassionate self. In compassionate mind training we notice what arises within us and then choose the pattern we want to create in our mind, rather than simply letting patterns arise according to past circumstances and conditions.
Compassion can also help us to understand what’s behind the critic. With compassion, we can see what sits behind this self-critical process and we can do this quite easily. If we spend just a moment resting in our compassionate self, with our breath slow and steady, and imagine seeing our critic in front of us. From this place we have the wisdom and the strength, the authority and the clarity to look behind this critic. What is the critic really frightened of?
Very often our self-critic is defending against a fear of rejection, a fear of being pushed away. The anger about the things that have happened to us, ends up being used to attack us.
So the critic represents a very hurt part of ourselves. Maybe it’s coming from what other people have done to us. Or maybe we were disappointed that we couldn’t earn the love and approval that we wanted. Or maybe parents or teachers or friends put us down or bullied us - wherever that critic is coming from, what sits behind it is often sadness, fear and hurt, and therefore when we become compassionate we make a commitment to address that, to recognise those wounds, gently and slowly.
Sometimes this recognition alone helps to soften that critical aspect of us.
Disclaimer: If your self-talk is causing you considerable distress, anxiety or depression, or affecting the quality of your life it would be advisable to seek the support of a CBT psychotherapist while you cultivate self-compassion and challenge these patterns of thinking.
Resources
The Compassionate Mind Foundation
References
Denborough, D. (2014). Retelling the Stories of Our Lives: Everyday Narrative Therapy to Draw Inspiration and Transform Experience. W. W. Norton: US
Brach, T. (2020). Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN. Rider: US
Freud, S. (1927). The Ego and the Id.
Gilbert, P. (2010). The Compassionate Mind. Constable: UK
Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassionate Focused Therapy. Routledge: UK
Jacobs, M. (2017). Psychodynamic Counselling in Action. (5th ed.) SAGE Publications Ltd: US